Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord."

This one is in Phoenix AZ, no lie!

Who's in charge of public works these days?

Ouch. What a sport!

Vee Jay sent us a big jumbled up useless collection of jokes and aphorisms. We threw out most of the ones we didn't like. Then we threw out all the ones we couldn't understand. This is all that was left.

When a six-foot-long eel wants to nibble your heel, that's a moray.

It's better to laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.

There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.

You can have it fast, cheap or right. Pick two.

We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce
the entire works of William Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know that this is not true.

The easiest way to overcome a woman's virtue is to assume it is not there in the first place.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Maturity is knowing when to be mature.

Necrophilia means never having to say, well, anything really.

Immature programmers imitate, mature programmers steal.

If we can send a man to the moon, then . . . why can't we send a man back to the moon?

I wonder if man will walk on the moon in my lifetime?

What is the difference between dogs and cats?
     Dog: "They feed me, love me and take care of me: they must be gods!"
     Cat: "They feed me, love me and take care of me: I must be a god!"

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Getting a grasp on the Internet is like chasing a snake in a room full of Wesson oil. It's a great deal of good clean fun, but the snake is in no danger.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

If one person says it's a duck, he's crazy. If two people say it's a duck, it's a conspiracy. If three people say it's a duck, start looking for feathers on its butt.

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

A mind is a terribe thing to confuse with an egg.

Animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Gray's Law of Programming:
     'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
     'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.

Health can be thought of as the slowest way someone can die.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public school.

O frabjous day! Calloo, callay!
The OJ Trial has gone away.

Get your mind out of the gutter -- it's blocking my view.

If love is chemistry, and sex is physics, then what is biology?

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is a big difference."

Is war menstruation envy?

In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded. According to the big bang theory.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Q: How many minimalists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

Genius may have it's limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and watch it for hours.